Let's Be Blunt...

I DON'T want to live my life like this! Every day I spend the ENTIRE day... no exaggeration... hoping, waiting, wanting, wishing... for the strength to start tomorrow. What a ridiculously sad way to live life!!! Seriously. I realize that life is a gift... it is to be cherished... yada, yada, yada. But I will ask myself the same question that I have asked a million times. So, why don't I do anything about the way I am living if I dwell on it SO very much????

Here's what's so bewildering to me. I read my posts from a year ago... and it's the same thing... the same words... the same miserable feelings. Yet, in that year, I could have lost the weight and felt completely amazing by now. But instead, I let all this time go by... and it feels wasted. And I always end this pathetic paragraph with --- So, what's my problem?!



What will it take to change?



Is it really within me?



And if so... how do I find it?



People say that that I must not want it bad enough.... on one hand, that's the most obsurd thing I have ever heard!

On the other hand... it makes sense.

Thoughts?

Upward and Onward

Hello my friends. Your comments are all so awesome and motivating. I ponder each one of them and think about them often. Thank you very much!

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I am definitely more in control now. I am aware of EVERY bite that goes into my mouth. I record it all on fitday.com. That website tells me according to my lifestyle and weight, how many calories I burn on a daily basis, compared to how many I eat. I also googled a website that told me how many calories I need to eat in order to loose weight, and also how many if I want "extreme fat loss."

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Anyway, in order to see weight loss, it said I need to eat 1660 calories a day. In order for "extreme fat loss" I need to eat 1440 calories a day.

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I have actually been doing pretty well with this! It is not easy, but sometimes I actually enjoy the challenge in a way. For example, today, I have eaten 1,039 calories so far. It is 5:45 pm. So, I know I can have a 400 (approx) calorie dinner and maybe even a little treat or a cup of hot chocolate later (my favorite thing to do is sip that and watch a show I recorded after the kids are in bed!)

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Anyway, it's going pretty well. Except for Easter Sunday - if you saw something flying threw the air that morning.... it was my calorie count that I threw right out the window that day!! Yes, I enjoyed me some good food that day, including Cadbury chocolate eggs and to die for funeral potatoes - a great big serving!!

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I went to the gym two days this week and walked in the neighborhood two days. I am also trying to do Yoga at night that I record from the tv - but that only happened two evenings last week. It's ok! I do like the way Yoga makes me feel.

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It feels good to care. It feels good to take care of myself! I can't wait to see some results! I gain it oh so quickly, and lose it oh so very slowly. Frustrating sometimes, but I know that is just me.

Remember Me?

I thought this blog was long gone - time to delete it. But some good friends have convinced me to get it going again, not to give up, and are encouraging me, which is comforting.

I was venting - (while crying) to them about life and weight and how it's all so difficult. I was saying how frustrated I was with it all and can't find what it takes to get going again.

Two and a half months ago, I had major surgery, a hysterectomy. I was so excited to feel fantastic after recovery and really "start" my life since my life was put on hold every month with the worst cycles ever. So here I am, recovered...... and bigger than I have been in about 7 years. During recovery, I was so blessed with delicious meals and a wonderful husband and children who did EVERYthing for me. But I wasn't so blessed with the FIFTEEN pounds that came along with it all.

I am in need of change. I am watching my life pass every day and feeling horrible.

Nothing fits me. Literally.

Hoping this blog will help light the fire. I have many bouts of inspiration and motivation, and I keep thinking, "This is the day" - but I just haven't quite gotten there. Sometimes I just don't get myself.

How can I feel this way and yet not do all I can to help myself?

I don't know. I really don't! But I know I am not happy with myself, that is for sure.

SMOOTH SAILING!

Just checking in.... I am on a high right now - feeling great! I am in control of my eating which feels amazing. I used to "graze" all day - now I don't graze at all - just breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, and dinner. Sometimes I have an extra snack in those killer 3:00 to 6:00pm hours (my toughest time of day) - and I have gone over my "points" a couple of times, but I still can't believe how well I am doing! The weightloss is slow, but according to Weight Watchers, that's the way it should be. It's healthier, and there's a better chance of keeping it off - so I'll take it!

150's - HERE I COME!!!!!!

ON THE RIGHT TRACK!!!

HI EVERYONE!!!

I have good news. I am doing SO MUCH BETTER!!! It was a long time coming, but I truly believe that before going on a weight loss journey, your brain has to "click" - the tough part is finally getting that to happen.

IT FINALLY HAPPENED!!!

I believe that it was a combination of all of your support and wonderful comments, and simply knowing that I might have to wear a size bigger any second if I continued where I was headed!

Comments from other people truly help me see/realize things I simply didn't see before. It is not easy for me to see the positive through the negative. In fact, it is probably the toughest thing for me to do. I appreciate you all - probably a lot more than you think.

Thirteen days ago, I was teaching some choreography at Showtime. As you know, dance studios have humongous mirrors for walls. As much as I love Showtime, I dreaded it every week for this reason alone. Anyway, so there I was teaching, and there Gayla was beside me, who recently lost 15 pounds with Weight Watchers and looks FABULOUS. During that hour and a half, so many feelings and emotions were coming back to me. I felt that rock bottom feeling - the heaviness, the "I'm done!" feeling - the I don't want to be like this anymore feeling. I was also remembering how awesome it felt when I didn't dread mirrors. I was thinking of Spring that was right around the corner, and asking myself if I wanted to enjoy the Summer with my kids. I knew that I couldn't enjoy it the way I was right that very minute. Finally, my brain clicked.

I vented a little to Gayla and said to her, "Okay, I've got to do something. I'm DONE!!!!!"

In the mean time, I called my sister Beth and told her the same thing. Turns out she needed that phone call herself. We both agreed to start by changing just one thing. We both got some high fiber cereal to eat every morning. That little change motivated me to do other things. I stopped eating seconds, and stopped eating after dinner. I was feeling better.

A couple days later, Gayla called me and told me she was coming over with a plan. She was going to give me all of her information that she learned with Weight Watchers, and encourage me to start. I have always been very reluctant to "plans" such as this. Mostly because I am SO bad at succeeding with them!! But I listened and learned. The next morning, I saw all the paperwork, and the little book to track my "points" in on the counter, and said, "Why not?" Wow, I never realized how much extra eating I was doing - incredible!

What's the bottom line? The bottom line is since that day at Showtime when my brain "clicked" - thirteen days ago, I have lost 5 pounds simply by changing the way I eat. Nothing else. I feel amazing already. I am motivated and excited. Unfortunately, I had gotten up to 168 before the "click." - So now I am at 163, and going down.

How can I thank you all? I don't know. Just know that I love you all and couldn't do it without you.

Life is full of ups and downs.

I am on the right track.

I am feeling happy about life right now, the way it should be!!

NOT GOOD.

I am UP 2 POUNDS. Not good people. Not good.

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I am drained by this terrible, weighty feeling. EVERY day, I tell myself, "This is it! This is the day that I am going to start to feel better again, start to take care of myself and enjoy my life!" Then, the day passes, and it happens again.

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I have an incredible husband, wonderful friends, and time. That's why I don't understand myself. I feel guilty for feeling so badly when I have so much to be grateful for. I feel miserable.

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Nobody is going to come to me, and hand me a magic pill, or all the answers. It's all in me, and I know this. It simply HAS to come out. The days of my life are passing - and I am just letting them go, instead of living them, and seizing the day. THIS IS NOT what I want out of life. I want to be happy. It's time to be happy!!!

Coming back to life...

Two months without posting....... well, no news is not always good news. Not terribly bad either.... just stale I guess you can say.

Is there anyone out there who is losing weight and actually kept losing during the holidays? If so, I'd like to kiss your skinny feet. How do you do it?!

I am finally starting to feel motivated again. I am inspired by my friends who are doing great, by the season premier of The Biggest Loser, and by my husband, who got inspired by the show also, and took action that very day! I awoke the next morning to an exceptionally early alarm clock, and Chip lacing up his running shoes. He's going for it again - time for me to start again too.

Not sure where to start though. As an attempt to limit our monthly expenses, one thing I did was quit my gym membership. I loved the gym. I loved going and how it made me feel. I love that it had babysitting for Anela. But now I have to go about this in other ways. It was SO much easier - SO MUCH easier when there was someone at the gym depending on me to meet there. Now it's all me again. I'm scared.

After my last weigh-in posted on this blog, I gained about 7 pounds in 6 weeks. Then, we moved - my life was stressful almost to the point that I couldn't handle it, and I actually lost 5 pounds in the middle of it! I enjoyed that for about 4-5 days or so, but then of course after things started to calm down a little, they crept back on. DANG! Oh who am I kidding.. I knew that would happen!

So here I am again.... but not with any real goals in mind. Perhaps I am afraid to fail again?

I am just glad that I am at least wanting to do something again. During the last 2 months, I seriously didn't have any desire anymore. But I'm happy to say that I feel it coming back. I sure would appreciate some encouragement and support - that was the whole reason for starting this blog, and I want to get it going again. Hopefully you didn't give up on me!

Thanks everyone.

Cake, Cake, Cake!

Oh Camon......

If you had these yummy birthday cakes hanging around all month, would you have lost weight?

Okay, maybe you would.... you're stronger than me!!

Sure was a fun month full of birthdays, that's for sure! Let's hope for a much less tempting November! (trying to say that positively.......)

SACRIFICE

Okay - another week gone by. Another week of struggling not to eat what and when I want.

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This is this week's lightbulb moment: (I've had it before, but apparantly needed it again).

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After I lose it this weight, then I can live exactly the way I am living now. Meaning, I can have treats, and I can have seconds as long as I am still working out, and not going overboard. How do I know this? Because I have NO problem maintaining my weight! I just have problems losing it! In other words, I only have to sacrifice for a short while until these 15 pounds are gone. The cake and cookies and french fries will still be here once I have reached my goal!!! Does that make sense? Might sound too simple of a concept, but I need simplicity. So, why I can't I be strong and disciplined for a few months and then live the rest of my life at my happy weight while I maintain? That my friends, is the question.

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I am feeling stronger. I am feeling like I am in better shape than I was a month ago. I run longer on the treadmill. I can see the definition coming back in my arms.

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The scale won't budge.

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When I imagine the feeling of putting on a pair of size 8 jeans, comfortably, I feel so motivated. But then the pantry calls.... and I listen. Why do I have to be such a good listener?! Sacrafice... that's my new word this week.

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I CAN!

Advice? Words of Encouragement?

Thank you for looking for my update mom. That's why this blog is good - even when I have a bad week, I still have to do it for my wonderful supporters! :)

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Four words for ya...

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Time. of. the. month. If affects me every time. I always am SO bloated. As part of it, a migraine clobbered me and kept me home from church on Sunday too. Thank you Stephanie for being "me" in primary!

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Okay - that's not all. I also can't quite push away the food. I JUST WANT TO SCREAM!!!!!

I mean, these next seven days ARE going to pass no matter what this week. I can either let them pass while eating well, or let them pass while eating the junk - which means I can either stay the same this week, or lose a pound. I know what I WANT - where is my willpower? I found it when I quite drinking soda. But I can't find it again. HELP ME FIND IT!

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What helps you?

My Light Bulb Moment

I didn't lose anything this week. But I am not surprised. With the kids having two days off of school, (which meant I had two days off of the gym - didn't have to, but I did) and also being spoiled on my birthday, I just ended up taking in more calories than I burned. But if it wasn't for my awesome trainer Kali, I'm sure I would have gained. She is the best - her workouts are different than I have ever had. She changes things up, and she pushes me. It's so great to sweat like that. I walk out of that gym with my head held high.
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As a family this week, we played football - three on three. Way fun - bloody lips and all. Since Chip doesn't get home till almost 7:30 - daylight is quickly slipping away at that time, so he didn't even change his clothes. :)
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I had a light bulb moment this week. I realized after the negative self talk was very loud in my head, that I don't believe I can do certain things. Hello Tracy - what's my motto? "Whether I think I can, or I think I can't, I'm right." - For example, I have never believed that I actually CAN be a size ten (hasn't happened in jeans yet, dang it!) and I have never believed that I actually CAN run a mile. Those are things that I deny over and over again. I realized that I have talked myself into the fact that I "am just not a runner" and that "I am meant to wear a size 12 jeans for the rest of my life." It's time for me to start believing what I always say at the end of every post - I CAN!!!!! This is not an easy thing to do - certainly easier said than done. But now I recognize it, now I know that I need to change my mind set about things. Even though I want to be able to run, and even though I want to be a smaller size, it can't happen unless I believe it can first.

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So, this time, I say it in a whole new light...

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I CAN!!!!!

Slowly Losing... Down three since "Back in Full Force"

Looks like I am losing a pound a week so far. If I ever start to think that is too slow, I just tell myself that I could weigh the same as I did three weeks ago had I not been doing anything about it. That makes me happy. Tonight is The Biggest Loser - my favorite night of the week! It's motivating, inspirational, and I couldn't love Jillian more! I am ready for the Brown team to go, they have a negative vibe to them.

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It feels good to be working toward something better. I have started to workout with a friend who motivates me and pushes me. I LOVE that. My body doesn't love it the next day, but that's how I know the workouts are "working!" I asked her to be my trainer - she is awesome! That is exactly what I need. Thank you Kali!

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Chip is doing better now - his goals right now are to be done with Mountain Dew at least until The Biggest Loser finale (that's huge), and to not step foot on an elevator at work. He works on the fifth floor so every break time, lunch, etc, he takes the stairs. That is 100 steps every time!

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Last night, we took a walk downtown as a family. Super fun - I love Monday nights too!

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Thank you all for your support!

Tennis and Sit-ups!

As a family, we are trying to do some kind of exercise together each Monday evening. This last Monday we had fun with something none of us know how to play - tennis! I got some rackets at a thrift store for a buck each, and Jack had some tennis balls laying around. There wasn't a lot of "rally" play - and we spent most of the time chasing loose balls, BUT we really had a great time, and it was a lot more active than sitting on the couch for sure! I would love to learn how to play tennis, it really is fun once you can actually hit the ball right!

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I have been doing well in the gym. But I need to do better at pushing away the goodies! Seriously, that's the toughest part about this whole thing. I'm doing great when it comes to not buying it at the store. The problem comes when it is somehow put in front of me. And dang-it - that happens WAY too often. I'm not at the point that I am turning it away. Stinks considering how much I truly want to get rid of these extra pounds that are just hanging around. I mean, it seems that I wouldn't have such a problem passing it up, when the desire is as strong as it is in my head! Harder than it seems for me. I guess I need that part to click for me like going to the gym finally did after spending the whole summer on my behind! I have been wearing a lot of Chip's baggy t-shirts, because I simply feel terrible in my own clothes right now. Not a good feeling - at all.

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We also all did our sit up test that we all hope to improve these next few months. I am not used to full sit-ups as opposed to crunches - it was hard! The good news is, my prediction was that I would only get about 10 (in a minute) but I ended up getting 30, so even though that's only one every two seconds, I am quite happy with that! Looks like that ab machine at the gym is doing some good! And if Chip wasn't making me laugh - I'm sure I could have done thirty-one!! :)

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Yeah, we had to stage the pictures a little - when I tried taking pictures during the actual test, they were way to blurry to even make out what was going on! Check out my little actors - especially those cheering in the background - it's hilarious!

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Okay - off to have a great week.

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I CAN!

(thinking positively, thinking positively, think positively)

Back in Full Force!

I am very happy and pleased to announce that......

"I'm baaaaaaaaaaack!!!" After much too long of a drought, I am back - with a brand new look on the blog, too!

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THANK GOODNESS!

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Yes, I gained weight. I always manage to do that without any problem whatsoever when my workouts cease for a while. Ten pounds to be exact. I know. Gasp! My clothes are tight. I have new rolls that are not welcome. The person looking back at me in the mirror is me, but not me. Not a happy me, that's for sure. Although most days I tend to be quite depressed about this, I have officially decided to no longer mope. I have to accept that this happened, that I DO look and feel badly right now, that it can't be fixed overnight (that's a toughy for me), and that it's not going to be easy. So, the most important thing right now, is to believe that I CAN!

I have officially returned to the gym. That alone makes me want to do better with all other aspects of weight loss. It feels so good.

And guess what folks, I am definitely not alone! Chip's metabolism has finally caught up with him and his Mountain Dew. Actually, you might say that he has inspired me to really get going again! He has been gearing up for this season's Biggest Loser for a while now. Yesterday was the two hour premier and sure enough, he didn't have one sip of soda. Good for him! (I know how tough that is!)The show is all about families this season, so not only are we doing this together, but we are involving the whole family, and enlisting their support. For Chip and I, it's about weight loss. For the kids, it's about a healthier lifestyle with exercise, and better food choices. We have teams and everything... this is the real thing people!

Monday evening, we went to the Jr. High for some "fitness testing." We timed ourselves in a sprint, and a lap around the track. Our family goal is to go back at the end of the season and just slash our times! I felt like I was going to fall over and die when I finished my lap. I had to stop and walk a few times, but that only motivated me to get to the point that I don't have to walk at all. Although running around a track without stopping is a piece of cake to many of you, for me it is no small feat! Oh, how I would love to say it is one day!!!

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THE SPRINT

Chip - 10:26

Tracy - 13:10

Taylor - 10:57

Aubrey - 10:58

Hannah - 13:88

Jack - 13:52

THE LAP

Chip - 1:31:23

Tracy - 2:38:50

Taylor - 1:45:90

Aubrey - 1:45:83

Hannah - 2:16:67

Jack - 2:11:87

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My team

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Chip's team

Stay tuned for team names - agreeing on one is not an easy task, ya know!

WE CAN!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't give up on me....

cause I am not giving up, I promise. I will get back into feeling good and looking better. It has been a very unique summer to say the least. Things will get back to normal eventually. Not that I couldn't continue to try, I just didn't. I want very much to have that wonderful feeling when I take care of myself. I WILL have it soon. Very soon. Please keep checking on me - I need it. Thank you!

In a rut.

That picture over to your right of me eating an apple should be replaced with what I've really been eating lately. Let's see - an ice cream sundae just about every day since I've been back - plus a Fuddrucker's brownie yesterday (the best in the world), and well, if I kept going, I'd embarrass myself a whole lot more than I am right now.

I'm in a yucky, depressed state of mind and I want and need that to change NOW. I am in a rut and I hate it. I love your motivating comments, and I always think that after I read them, I am going to change, but I don't. I keep wondering what it was that made me get to that point when I was on track and feeling good a while ago. I just don't know. There has to be a strong desire to get going again. That's what I don't understand. I feel miserable. I'm not happy. I want to look and feel better, so why is the desire not strong enough? I feel like I want it badly enough, but how can I say that and not do anything about it? I don't know. I really don't.

Still Alive

Are you wondering where I am? I know.

I'm here - I just haven't quite wrapped my brain around getting on the ball again - with a lot of things.

But as far as this difficult quest called weightloss goes - yes, I am still on it.

I had no idea how going on a little trip would throw me off this badly. Let's focus on the positive first. I am happy to say that I am working out every day again - thanks to Beth's desire to go too. Shoot - now the negative.

I gained 5 pounds in California! Seriously - tell me this is not normal!!! Sometimes I feel that just looking at high calorie foods puts the pounds on. Let's me honest though - I didn't just look at it in CA - but still!! I've lost a couple since then, but my good eating patterns aren't coming back as I had hoped they would. If I don't change them soon (like, today) - my work outs will only help me maintain my weight rather than lose it.

Anyone have any motivation out there? I need it.

Oh, and we don't have our camera battery right now, so no pictures till we get it. Darn.

Week Fourteen - 153.5 - Down 2

YIPPEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

It feels so very good to be going down!

If you haven't read why I've been feeling so happy lately, make sure you read the post before this one first. Still pinching myself...

I'm getting closer to my goal of 145. Heck, I might even make it 140! Now that I know I won't be in a size 12 forever, I'm beginning to think that anything is possible! Seriously... you just can't possibly know what that did for my spirits.

The ups and downs of weight loss are very real. The ups and downs on the scale, and the ups and downs emotionally. As long as I know that are going to happen, I think I will be okay. One who is trying to lose weight cannot expect the numbers to go straight down. I know that now. I am very grateful that I am on a down hill right now. I am also very grateful that I have all of your support when the numbers are staying the same, or worse - going up!

I will be in California next Sunday, when I usually weigh in and post. I'm really nervous to get off track while I am there. I just don't want to beat myself up if I don't do as well as I would like. I might be able to post while I am there for a little update - we'll see.

Still not one sip of soda. Actually, I'm lying. One day, I was desperate for a drink of anything and the only thing around was Chip's soda. I took a swig and guess what? I hated it!!!!!! It felt weird and tasted strange. I'm glad that happened actually, because although I have stayed away from it, I kinda missed my friendship with my diet pepsi, and thought about it often. :) I don't anymore though - I've moved on. Maybe there is a connection with quitting diet soda, and seeing the numbers on the scale go down and fitting into a size ten? Hmmmm.. I wonder. I'd like to say my sacrifice of soda has helped me these past couple of weeks. Even if it hasn't, I think I'll believe it did!!

Thank you everyone, once again, for your love and support. Can't do it without you!

A HUGE, HUGE Milestone!!

I am still in disbelief, still in shock, and even in a little denial.

Yesterday was the best day EVER for me! Something happened that I almost gave up on ever happening. Something that is making me pinch myself repeatedly to make sure it really did happen.

I went out to get a pair of capris for our trip to California. I didn't know what kind I wanted, so I grabbed a ton to see the different styles. I took 9 pair of size 12's (my size for 3 1/2 years now) in the dressing room. Each time I put a pair on, I noticed they just kinda felt sloppy or something - but I couldn't quite put my finger on why or what was going on. Each time, I would show Chip, and then go to the next one. Well, it was about the 6th pair that Chip noticed that there was enough room in every pair to put a small child's fist in the waist. - He went and got me a size 10. It never even entered my mind to try a 10 - EVER!! I thought he was crazy, but he basically told me to hush up and just try.

AND TO MY TOTAL SURPRISE - THEY FIT! THEY FRIGGIN FIT!!!

At first, I was convinced that it was only that particular brand. But sure enough, the next 6 pair of size 10's - all different brands - fit me perfectly. SIZE TEN FRIENDS!!!!!

I must have looked at the tag 87 times just to see that glorious number.

I cannot begin to explain the feelings I had when I pushed the 12's aside on the rack to pick out a 10. It was actually quite bizarre but of course mostly absolutely wonderful and unbelievable.

Now, my goal of a single digit size is more in sight. Now it seems more attainable. But for now, I will enjoy my 10's.

Chip has always told me I am a "10". :)

Finally, I can say, "You bet I am!!"

Week 13 - 155.0 - Down 3.5

Good news! I'm going down again. Okay, so most of it is cause I'm done with my you-know-what, but I haven't weighed 155 yet - I'm so happy!

Interesting though - as far as exercising goes, it was a bad week. May is the busiest month in the world with school programs, activities, celebrations, etc. Chip and I were at the school every day last week! That doesn't mean I couldn't have found another time to work out - I just didn't.

HOWEVER, I was more in control of my eating than I have ever been. No mindless munching. No huge portions. No eating past 7:30. I felt great with how I did in that area all week - well, Monday through Friday at least. The weekends are tougher. Regardless, with staying active and busy combined with feeling in control when I eat, I had good results on the scale today.

I still haven't had one sip of soda. I am surprised, actually. The hardest part is when we are out and the fountain drinks are calling to me. I just keep my crystal light in my purse no matter what. If I have that, and ice to chew on, I am just fine. Chip says it looks like a punishment, watching me pour the packet into my water bottle... Here I am - being punished at Aubrey's orchestra program! :)

I wanted so very much to be 149 when we left for California (for Kelley's wedding - yay!) on June 5th. If I dwell on the fact that I'm not on the right track for that, I will only feel badly. Instead, my goal will to be simply to keep going down, and half a pound or a pound a week would be fantastic for me at this point.

Thank you, blog reader friends! Your comments are fantastic, and motivating! By the way, thank you to a great friend who called and left me a message about my jaw line - I was cracking up, but amazingly, it helped me feel much better - love you all!

Week 12 - 158.5 - Up 2

Excuse my blunt-ness..... Losing weight sucks.

That's all there is to it!

It is the toughest thing I have ever put myself through. If only I didn't let it all happen in the first place. I used to be so careless, and now I am paying for it.

It's my wonderful time of the month. I am lucky enough to get ALL of the symptoms - cramps, headaches, bloating, mood swings, and (this one is the worst) increased appetite. It feels like someone else is controlling my hands when it comes to putting food into my mouth. I hate it.

What I hate most of all is how touchy my weight is! Miss a work out? Gain a pound. Eat a too much? Gain a pound. That's what it seems like. If only my efforts had the opposite effect! Good work out? Lose a pound! Skip a second helping? Lose a pound! Of course not - that would be too easy.

I was SO depressed last night when I weighed in. I told Chip I wasn't going to post and that I wanted to go get a big 44 ouncer of Diet Pepsi. (Not one sip this week by the way!) He loves me right now - this second - all 158 pounds of me. I'm so thankful for that. In fact, last night while trying hard to be positive when all I wanted to do was cry myself to sleep and stay there for a week, I realized something.

I always tend to feel sorry for myself for struggling so much with my weight. I tell myself that I will trade this challenge for another one any time. That's when I realized that perhaps I really am blessed. Because would I really? No. I would much rather struggle with this than a terrible illness, or an unhappy marriage, or not having friends, etc, etc.

I am still going to continue with this. I will try my best this week. I am still determined to accomplish my goals. This blog helps me be accountable. If it wasn't for all of you reading, I would be drowning my woes in Diet Pepsi and oh, I don't know.... hostess cupcakes or something!

I CAN!!!!!!!!!!

Week 11 - 156.5 Down 1 (7.5 total)

First of all - to all my faithful, wonderful blog commenters/supporters.....

Just wanted to make sure you knew how much you all help me. If it wasn't for all of you, I honestly don't know how long I might have lasted. Your comments motivate me and keep my chin up. I love you all - thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

Well thank Goodness for that #6 on the scale this week! If I would have seen the same numbers for the 4th week in a row, I think I would have gone crazy! I had a pretty good week, although I was nervous since I over did it on THREE different occasions!

Occasion #1 - my good friend, Lisa had some friends over the night before her wedding - when yummy food is in front of me, it's almost impossible for me to shun it! Thank goodness it was just fruit and yogurt dip I couldn't stop munching on, but still, I over did it. THEN, at her wedding reception the next day, (occasion #2) I enjoyed the buffet a little more than I should have too. It was wonderful by the way, Lisa was beautiful. I am thrilled for her. Oh, and then Chip and the girls made a wonderful, delicious Mother's Day barbecue meal, (occasion #3) and although the food I ate was healthy for the most part - again - it was too good to stop sometimes. (and home-made Buttermilk ranch is to die for!!)

I do have some great news - a big announcement! Believe me, it's a biggy! On Friday, I had my last diet soda!! Some might roll their eyes, but for me, who once thought I could never stop drinking the stuff and justified every gulp, this is huge!! The truth is what I have always known but didn't want to admit - it really was just pure junk going into my body. Nothin good about it. My justifications were that there are no calories, and since weight loss is all about calories, I could still have my diet soda fix. The truth is, being addicted to anything feels terrible. I hate being dependant on a stupid drink. I hate thinking I can't function without it. I hate that my thoughts were consumed with when I was going to get my daily fountain drink, and if I could make it that long. I have always wanted to be done, but just didn't think I could do it. Different people have challenged me to try, which has strengthened my desire, but it wasn't until I had a conversation with a good friend, Lisa (I have lots of Lisa friends!) this weekend that finally turned on the light bulb in my head. She had her last diet soda in March (she'd been drinking it daily for over 20 years!) She swears she will never drink soda again because of how great she feels, and she also once thought she could never do it. She shared her tips with me and flat out told me to be done with it. Before, I might have said, "I know, I really should.... I really want to be done... but I just don't know..." This time, I looked at her and I said, "Okay, I'm done too." And I really meant it. Even my friend Nikki is saying no to sweets this week so we can do this together. Huge sacrifice for her. You are awesome Nikki - We can!!!

That same day I said I was done, I had to go to Fred Meyer. I have always praised that place because it has a fountain drink machine in the store. I have never gone inside without first going straight for the 44 ouncer. To me, there's not a whole lot of things more enjoyable than walking around the store talking with Anela, and sipping a big ol' fountain drink. It was actually kinda hard to walk in and turn the other way. I had Hannah with me and she said, "Where are you going? You need your soda first!" I told her I wasn't going to do that anymore and she looked at me as if I had polka dots all over my face or something.

So.... goodbye diet Pepsi. You have always been there for me, and although I might miss you now and again, you are no longer welcome in my life, as well as my other favorites, diet Sunkist, and diet Dr. Pepper. You are just no good for me. Thanks for the good times, but it is time for me to move on to bigger and better things like water, and Crystal Light.

I CAN!!!!

Week Ten - Same Ol' Same Ol'

Well, as you can tell, I've kinda been dreading this post. I'm really tired of being the same weight. I am mostly tired of DAILY 45 minute cardio workouts and DAILY 20 minutes strength training workouts only to see the same number on the scale and NOT have my pants fit any looser. I can only go so long believing it will change soon before I go insane! So, this week Chip came up with really "hardcore" program for me to follow to see if my body responds . He thinks I need a change in my workouts, and that my body might be too used to my routine. This week I am breaking it up. I am running on the treadmill, pedaling the bike, and doing a different cross trainer machine than I am used to. It feels really good. Today I actually ran on the treadmill for a considerable amount of time. I am quite proud of that, as I have always said that I cannot run more than a minute at a time. I am doing 90 minutes of cardio alone including strength training every day.

Also, I am drinking 10 glasses of water every day (I was only drinking 4-ish before) and having only 12 oz of diet soda instead of my regular 44 oz. I know. I know. I don't know for sure if diet soda had a negative effect on my weight loss, but I am willing to find out. And if you know me, you know this is tough for me! I know plenty of thin women who love their diet soda, I just wanted to be one of them! Maybe I just can't. I don't think my diet soda tastes as good as thin must feel, but it comes awfully, awfully close!!

Part of the program was also for me to be in bed by 10:30 - so far this is the most difficult part for me. At 10:30, I feel like it is finally time to get some things done!! I haven't been successful at this part yet. Getting enough sleep is important though, so I would still like to try harder with this one.

I am journaling every morsel that goes into my mouth to be sure I am not eating more than I think I am. I am eating 5-6 small, healthy meals a day and doing well in that area.

Anyway, I certainly hope to have good news soon - if not this Sunday, then the next for sure when my efforts have caught up to me. Wish me luck!!!

Week Nine - Nothin'

Ah, dang. Stayed the same.

I just can't help but think of my looooong hard workouts EVERY day though and be bummed. I JUST WANT TO GET RID OF THIS JUNK IN MY TRUNK!!!!!!!!!!

There's just no way that my pasta dish at Carino's and TCBY frozen yogurt with Resees (yum!) I had with friends last night sabotaged all my efforts. Yesterday, I knew that I would be going out to dinner and then to ice cream that evening, so I was very strict with what I ate all day. Oatmeal and toast in the morning - an apple at Jack's t-ball game - cottage cheese with yogurt when I got home, and that's IT! So, I felt like I deserved some delicious food and a yummy dessert afterward. I did plan on eating only half, and bringing the rest home to the kids, but that didn't happen.

Regardless, I really thought I had an awesome week.

All the scientific CRAP of why my weight may not be coming off practically goes in one ear and out the other. I can't help it. To me, pardon me, but my butt should be smaller by now!!! I do appreciate ALL of your encouragement and advice - more than I can say. But I just can't help but be bummed anyway.

Beth is trying to convince me that it's just muscle that I am gaining.

So, Chip talked me into flexing for the camera, and then convinced me to post it.

So here it is...

Measure THIS!!

You guys were right. I needed to measure myself to see real results! My friend Lisa Banks, who owns the Curves on Broadway in Boise, is so great. Yesterday, she looked up my measurements from two years ago (when I weighed about the same as when I started this blog). Then, she measured me and printed out the results. For the most part, I was pleased. It was good for me to see.

Look at the numbers on the right in red - that is what I have lost! The four inches lost in my waist was my biggest surprise! I can't remember the last time my waist measured in the 20's! I just barely made that one. Of course Chip's first comment was that he hopes the bust numbers stop going down... ha ha! - 2.75 inches - yikes! But he was very proud of me. :)

So, the pounds may be coming off slowly, but that's okay when I see these numbers on the measuring tape! And Lisa said I can come in every month - she's so great!

So far, it's been a great week! I did push it a little too hard yesterday and hurt my shoulder, but it is much better today. Also, something is going on with my right foot. On that "pad" on the bottom of my foot under my toes, there is a lump, and it is swollen. I can't walk on it barefoot. I don't remember doing anything specific, and hope so much it is just irritated for some weird reason and will go away. Right now, I burn about 550 calories every day just on the elliptical and I would be pretty bummed if I had to stop that! So, even though my body is taking a little beating here and there, I'm still doing great! I have a lot of support and feel very blessed.

Week Eight - Down 1.5 (6.5 total)

Wha-hoo! I'll take it!

After another week of incredible workouts like I have never had before, I think I would have just died if I didn't lose this week!

I promised myself I will be happy with any loss now, instead of being upset over only one pound, or whatever. I guess as long as those numbers are going down, no complaining out of this mouth anymore! However, my friend who works at Weight Watchers and sees SO many weight loss journeys told me that it truly is full of ups and downs. She said that everyone expects their numbers to go straight down, but so many things can alter the number on the scale, so sometimes the numbers will go up. Ugh! Well, thank goodness that didn't happen two weeks in a row for me!

Everybody's comments and advice and encouragement have really kept me going strong and helped keep me motivated this week. I know without a doubt that had it not been for this blog (thanks Chip!) and all of the support and encouragement that I am getting from all of you, and a wonderful husband and sister who I live with, that I would have been very tempted to quit yet another try at losing weight. It's hard to be patient when you are working SO hard.

My pants aren't really fitting any differently yet. Maybe a little. But if, I mean, when I fit into a size 10 jeans, I think I will completely flip out and celebrate. When I was at 150 before I moved to Idaho, I was in a 12 too, so it will be a huge deal for me. My friend Karen bought me a pair of super cute jeans or "hot" jeans as she calls them, when I got down to 150. She is certain they were size 10, but I am even more certain that they were 12's. I would have known if I wore a size 10 jeans!

I wish I had taken my measurements when I started this blog. But I'm excited because my friend, Lisa, owns the local Curves here, and about two-ish years ago, I joined. (Another one of my many attempts to get this weight off). But I had to get rid of all "extra" expenses when we moved into this house and our rent went way up, so there went my membership to Curves. Anyway, I know from a journal I have that I weighed 164 when I started there. That's my exact weight when I started this blog. Lisa thinks she still has my measurements from when I first started there, so I am really anxious to measure me now and see if there is a difference. That will help me feel better too, when the numbers on the scale seem to be stuck.

I am motivated to have another great week. Chip knows I need his challenges, so on Thursday, he challenged me to stay on the elliptical for ten more minutes to make it a complete hour. Ten more minutes when my thighs are on fire seems like an hour in itself! But I did it and it felt great. My endurance is really building. I used to have to stop for about 5-10 seconds at least 10 times on the elliptical. Now, I only stop twice (another Chip challenge)! AND - I actually sweat! I never sweat! It makes it feel like my workout is more real - It feels so great!

Thanks everyone, I just couldn't do it without you!

Week Seven - Up 1

What's going on? I'm frustrated.

Let me tell you about my week, then you can give me all the feedback and advice you can. I need it - big time.

This week, I have just about doubled the time and effort of my workouts. I refuse to get off the elliptical before 45 minutes is completed (most of the time doing about 50). For the first time, I am actually sweating while working out. I never sweat! It feels SO good. I burn from 520-570 calories on that elliptical every day!! I also do strenuous workouts with weights afterward - the kind that make that funny straining face that I thought I'd never do during those last few reps! When I leave the gym, I feel that awesome feeling of accomplishment - I love it.

Then, when I get home, I am still looking for opportunities to burn as many calories as possible - walking to school to pick up the kids instead of drive, doing extra crunches and push-ups here and there, etc.

However, ever since I have been pushing myself this hard, I have felt EXTRA hungry. I can not get over how hungry I have been this week!! It's almost like I feel like I have to be constantly eating in order to feel like I'm not uncomfortably hungry. A meal that would have normally satisfied me, doesn't anymore. I know that I am burning tons more calories, but it is terribly frustrating feeling like my work in the gym is not paying off right now.

This is the week before my "time of the month" - that could have something to do with it. Sing with me ladies - "I enjoy being a girl!" I always gain 2-3 pounds around this time. I will never forget what happened the day of Junior Prom. I was pms-ing big time. Chip was going to pick me up in about an hour. I put on my dress that was a perfect fit a couple of days before, and it was way too tight! My mom had to actually take an inch or two out of it so I could enjoy Prom! Then of course, it was a little too big a few days later.

So, I really hope that's what is going on, although I'm not feeling that bloated feeling I usually do. Perhaps my previous week is now showing. I really just don't know. Beth is reminding me that I can be building muscle too, and not to get discouraged. It's tough though. It is discouraging.

All feedback is welcomed - thank you all for taking the time to be a part of this journey with me.

This week I will commit again to work just as hard and hope that it will all catch up to me.

Shorts season is coming, and for once, I want to be wearing them!!

Week Six - Down 1 (6 lbs total)

One pound.

But you can tell by the smile that I am happy. Considering this past week we have had at home, it's actually a miracle.

For those of you who don't know yet, Chip lost his job last Monday. It was as if a rug had been pulled right out from under us.

I was so motivated to have an awesome week. When this happened, lots of that motivation went right out the window. The thought of quitting entered my mind often. Although I had a great work out out every day (thanks for the push out the door a few of those days Chip) - there was some emotional eating going on that I had a very difficult time controlling. Fortunately, when it seems like it's all too much, Chip and Beth are right here all the time to knock some sense into me. I don't know what I would do without them. Lots of encouraging words have come from people I love. I am so blessed.

So, after a couple of days, I was back at it mentally. I just have to believe that everything will be okay, because it always is.

I am happy with my results this week - very happy.

.

Work Out Songs

Hey everybody, what are some songs that really get you "pumped"? The end of that elliptical session can be brutal, but when a good song comes on the ipod - it totally gets me through! (By the way, I'm up to 45 minutes now - wha-hoo!) So, I know there are thousands of great workout songs - do you have any good suggestions?

Week Five - Down 2 (5 lbs total)

I was afraid to post during the week this time in case I jinxed anything. But I have good news.

I am officially in the 150's!! I knew I had a good week! Even Saturday - which is usually more tough just cause it's so different - even that was a good day! In fact, it was great! A good workout in the morning makes having a good eating day much easier.

The elliptical has been SO difficult for me! A month ago, I would have laughed if anyone would have told me I would have stayed on it for 30 minutes. But guess what? Yesterday, I did it!! It feels SO rewarding. Thank you Taylor for letting me take your ipod - what a huge difference that makes! Minutes go by so much faster with motivating, loud music pumping me through it.

Has anyone seen that new show on TLC called "I Can Make You Thin"? It is so interesting. Google it and check it out. I have been very mindful of "conscious eating" which is what the first show was about. I have a hard time believing one part of this plan. It is eating what you want when you want. Paul McKenna says if you are hungry - EAT! And eat what you want, as long as you eat consciously, chewing every bite 20 times, and stopping when you are satisfied. Sounds a little crazy? I know. It was easy to justify a cadbury egg today cause I just said, "my body wants it!!" I'm so curious to learn more about him and his plan.

It seems like if I continue to have weeks like this one (working out at least 5 days and eating well) then I should be losing weight faster. I certainly hope that is true, so I can see the fruits of my efforts. Today, I am just happy to see that number 5 on the scale after the number 1 - (even if the third one is 9!)

I feel motivated to have another great week.


I CAN!

Week Four - Up 1

Thanks for the phone call to post this mom. That's what I need - people waiting for the weekly results so I can be accountable. As you can see, I wasn't as anxious to put up the numbers this time. This is the reason I was so reluctant to do this blog in the first place. Dang.

I could give you all the excuses in the world. But instead, I am just going to say that yes, I am disappointed. Even though I had some great eating days, I didn't have such a great workout week, and not ALL my eating days went well. It's tough to post this after my last post is titled "Gaining Control."

Oprah says that she needs to work harder to lose weight, and even stay a certain weight than most people. That's just how her body is. I believe we have the same body type. My body is so touchy. Sometimes it feels that just one bad day results in weight gain. I wish it was as easy for me to lose as it is for me to gain - well of course, don't we all?!

I am really excited to have a good week. At first, my determination was crushed when I realized that it is Spring Break. All the kids are home. Easter candy is everywhere. Schedules are - well there aren't any! But then I realized that there will always be an excuse, no matter what. So, I WILL have a good week. So far, so good. Thank you Beth for the encouragement to go to the gym first thing!

I need everyone to tell my sweet husband that bringing home fresh baked cookies doesn't help. I explained to him that yes, they are okay every once in a while when you are just maintaining your weight - but not when you are trying to lose it!!! I do believe that if I don't indulge in a mini dove chocolate square here and there, that I will end up binging, but I can' t have such tempting treats laying around like fresh baked snicker doodles, fudge cookies, and chocolate chip cookies. Yes, it's my choice whether to actually put them in my mouth, but I have a hard time saying no every time. Sorry honey, I know you were trying to be nice, but not bringing it home until I lose this weight is what is even nicer! Love you!

Encouragement, motivation, and whatever else you think will help is much appreciated here ladies - the blog comments, the phone calls, the packs of gum, the book suggestions, and the "You can do its" is appreciated more than you know. I love you all, and thank you so much!

.

Gaining Control

First of all, I can't thank everyone enough for their awesome, wonderful support. You just couldn't imagine what it does for me right now. This is going to help, I just KNOW it!!

The past couple days, my eating has totally been in control. It actually feels foreign - truly foreign. It is so strange because I'm simply not used to it. But of course, it feels wonderful.

Every other weight loss attempt I have ever made (besides the first one 5 years ago) haven't had enough emphasis on the eating part - at all. I would start an exercise program (I have joined and un-joined Curves, I have gone to the rec center across the street, I have walked in the mornings, I have tried pilates) all of these last for about three-ish months. I usually get too frustrated that I am not seeing the results I want, so I quit, until next time. Along with those programs I start come small eating changes, but never really sacrificial eating changes, make sense? This time, I am truly eating differently - BIG changes, not itty bitty changes and then expect the pounds to melt away. I never thought I could do this. I can't count how many times I have told myself that I simply couldn't do it because I have zero will power.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I have will power. As silly as I feel having my eyes well up with tears right now because I am able to pass up french fries, the feeling is better than one can imagine. The desire to eat to live rather than live to eat is strong and real. It feels SO good! I can finally see what I have been reading and what I have heard for years, that "FOOD IS FUEL!" Understanding WHY we eat has made all the difference. I have known it, but NEVER lived it. Food is also to enjoy. That's why I will enjoy birthday cake and Starbucks cookies on occasion. But I don't feel like I need them to get through my day. I just feel happy lately.

Several of you have mentioned wanting to hop on the weight loss blog thing. GO FOR IT! We can all help each other so much! Just making entries like this one is just awesome and so helpful - I can't wait to see some of yours - LET'S DO THIS!!!!

(and Happy Birthday to my dear friend, Misty!)

Rough day so far...

Today is tough. My biggest downfall is junkfood laying around. Some days, it is SO hard to resist it. Today, it's Taylor's left over birthday donuts and birthday cake. I put the cake in the oven, which really is all I need - just get it out of my sight and then usually I can forget about it. The donuts, I keep saying "ONE bite." - I have said that six times. Time to toss those in the oven too. Or how about the trash?! There are only a couple left anyway.

Also, I should be coming home from the gym about now. I am so much better when I know someone is counting on me to go. Today my work out partner Lisa, couldn't make it - too much going on. That is too perfect for me to think of all the things I can be getting done also. The day is far from over. I can still get a work out in. I know I always feel 100% better when I do - should be easier to just go. Besides, tonight is my favorite show, "The Biggest Loser" and I always feel SO guilty and yucky if I haven't worked out that day while I watch it!

Week Three - Down 2

Well, I must admit, I was totally shocked at this weigh in. I have been dreading it big time.


This week, Jack was home sick from school for 3 days! I work out when he is at school, so I missed all three of those days, plus Friday because I watched my friend's children. Still, I know I could have found other times - worked out late - done something at home. Yes, I know all of that. I just didn't.

Usually when I don't work out, my eating then goes to kaput, which is what happened on Saturday - bad day. I grazed all day, and on almost anything. I told Chip I wanted to boycott the weigh-in, but he wouldn't let me. (I didn't really want to, just kinda!) That's why I was shocked to see me down two pounds. I figured my good week from before caught up to me? I don't know. I need to have a better work-out week next week for sure to maintain my numbers going down!

I hate water. Just thought I'd share.




Can't weight to see those hips start to slim down. That has always been, and probably always will be, my most trouble spot on my body. ick.

Week Two - Down 1.5

I had a great week as far as working out and eating goes!


I was at the gym 5 days this week. Every day I was on the elliptical for 20 minutes (that is a killer for me!) and I alternate leg and arm workouts with weight machines every other day. I work out my abs every day too.

I never ate past dinner this week, and was able to turn away many treats that haunted me! I don't want to deprive myself, for fear of going crazy! So, I will have bites of things here and there, or a very small serving of something.

I was kinda disappointed at my numbers - I thought my efforts should have showed better results on the scale. But I'm happy that atleast the number went down.


I hate picture time, but I think it will really help me as I do this.

Week One

I chose the jeans that I look the worst in for my weekly weigh-in pictures. And the shirt, I love. I used to wear it - 15 pounds ago - just can't wear it anymore because I'm falling out of it. I will wear the same outfit every weigh in.

I have been this weight for a few years now. I think this is my comfortable weight when I don't care, and don't take care of myself.

It's all changing now,

because I'm losing it!

Help Me Succeed!

I'M GONNA LOSE IT!!

I can't tell you how many times I have said this - and how many different situations I have said it in - sometimes while laughing, sometimes while yelling, and many times while crying.

I have said it when I have misplaced something for the100th time.

I have said it when my patience has been pushed to the very edge.

I have said it when I have had to repeat directions to my children more than a few times.

I have said it (many times) while looking at my reflection in the mirror - and the unwanted pounds on my body.

But I want to be done saying it for that reason. I have spent way, way too long wanting to be done.

About 5 years ago, I hit rock bottom with the depression that came with being 210 pounds. This picture was taken around that time. It's difficult to see pictures of me at this size, because I see so much behind the smile, that others didn't.

With the support of friends and family, and ofcourse, willpower, I lost 60 pounds, going from a size 20, to a size 12. I did it the good ol' "more moving and less eating" way. I was 151 pounds when I left California, and even though I still had in mind to lose a little more, I actually felt pretty good.

I never did lose another pound. Infact, shortly after moving to Idaho, it slowly started coming back.

So did the depression. I gained about 20 pounds.

Since then, on many occasions I thought I had come close enough to that rock bottom place to where I was ready to "lose it" again. Pun intended. I have made promise after promise to myself. I have started and stopped many attempts at this ever so difficult weightloss challenge. I have lost a few pounds, and gained some back, again and again. I have weighed 164 pounds, give or take a couple, for a very long time now. At one point I told myself that this is just the size I will be forever. I tried to tell myself that it's not that bad - and that I can be happy.

I was SO wrong. So, here I am. Again.

I have a different feeling about it this time - hard to explain - but it's positive.

Chip suggested keeping a blog this time - putting it out there for all (actually, a carefully selected group) to see. At first I thought he was nuts, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Now I am accountable to my readers.

That's where all of you come in. I can't do this without your help! I am asking each of you to, if you haven't already, set up an account so you are able to post on my blog. Then I need you to check my progress regularly, and comment, comment, comment!

I am sending this to only those I feel comfortable sharing such personal feelings and well, my weight with! People I want on this whole journey with me - people who I know will help and support. All advice is very welcomed too!

I will weigh in every Sunday evening, and post it on my blog. That's the only part I know for sure. I'll probably post a little here and there during the week also. We'll just see how it goes.

I will also be using my awesome husband's motto he used on his 48 day long bike ride -

"I CAN!"

So, here we go.... here's to losing it - the good kind of losing it!


Thank you everybody!